Are There More than Five Love Languages?

Posted by J.A. Mitchell

Gary Chapman wrote a bestseller in 1992 entitled The Five Love Languages. After over
30 years, the book ranks close to or within the top 100 books on Amazon.com. The
book was based on his experience as a Baptist pastor advising and counseling couples.
In his book, Chapman explored how we tend to express our love to others and how we
want to receive love from others. He identified five major love languages: words of
affirmation, acts of service, quality time, giving and receiving gifts, and physical touch.
Numerous couples have gained valuable insights into themselves and their partners by
reading Chapman’s book and taking online tests about their love languages.
Years ago, when I taught Introduction to Philosophy at Gannon University, I often
referenced Chapman’s book as a popular example of the phenomenological method. I
suggested that when we want to understand a very human reality such as love, it is best
to start from our lived experience and little by little strive to get at the heart or core, the
essence, of what we seek to understand. I would ask my students, “Is there something
common to all five love languages?” It was a simple way of getting past thinking of love
as a feeling or emotion and getting closer to the essence of love as an act of willing the
good of another.

When we give someone a gift, do an act of service for them, or spend quality time with them, it entails a sacrifice or self-offering on our part and the willing of something good for the one we love. When we speak true words of affirmation to another person, it means that we have spent time thinking about them and what they need to hear.

At the same time, I have often wondered if there are more than five love languages. And, if there are more, what are they? Here are six I have thought about over the years.

1. Merciful love. We all, at times, make mistakes, say the wrong thing, choose ourselves selfishly, and sin against our brothers and sisters. We are flawed humans. We are not perfect, and our spouses and loved ones definitely know this. An important love language in any relationship is merciful love. We can always be better at knowing how and when to forgive, and how and when to ask for forgiveness. “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy” (Matthew 5:7).

2. Patient love. The first quality of love mentioned by St. Paul is patience (1 Corinthians 13:4). This means that we are slow to judge, react harshly, or get angry. Patient love means that we refrain from judging the hearts of others. It means accepting a person as they are, welcoming them, embracing them, learning from them, and sharing our lives with them. It means loving them even when they are not at their best, like when they are “hangry” or irritated. When we are patient with others, they will be encouraged to be patient with us.

3. Deferential love. When Paul speaks to spouses, he encourages mutual deference to one another (Ephesians 5:21). This means that we do not impose our arbitrary will on others and prioritize the needs and well-being of others. This mutual deference takes different forms. One of my sisters-in-law loves it when my brother takes charge and makes decisions. Another loves to talk things out and make decisions together with her spouse. Deferential love can be something as simple as deferring to others about what to eat for dinner, which pizzeria to go to, or what toppings to get on the pizza. To avoid degenerating into a form of abuse, deferential love is only true love and only flourishes when it is mutual.

4. Compassionate love. Compassion means “suffering with.” Recently, Pope Leo XIV spoke about compassion as helping and feeling the weight of another’s pain (May 28, 2025). When the one we love is suffering deeply, our words often fall short. What can we say to a mother who has just lost her child in a terrible accident? A few days ago, as my wife and I were leaving the grocery store, we noticed a woman sitting alone on the curb and clutching her stomach as she rocked back and forth. We stopped the car, and my wife went over to talk with her. She asked her if she needed anything and if she was okay. She listened to her story and gave her the money she had in her pocket. Meanwhile, I called the local women’s shelter to see if they could help her and check up on her. My wife hugged her, and we watched her go to Bob Evans to get a meal with the money we had just given her. There were several love languages in play. We gave her what we had at the moment and expressed our love with a small gift. We spent time with her and listened to her story. We embraced her. We also prayed for her. Above all, we accompanied her as best we could in that moment and tried to be compassionate and take upon ourselves a small part of her suffering.

5. Virtuous love. When I suggested to my students that growing in virtue or striving to be a better person could be a love language, there were always one or two who didn’t like it. They would say, “You shouldn’t change for anyone.” I understood what they meant and appreciated the insight. Through the discussion that followed, however, we could generally agree that growing in virtues like humility and charity were good things, and that it could be a way we show our love for our spouse or loved one. An important love language is virtuous love, striving to become better persons and grow in holiness together.

6. Sacrificial love. At the heart of all love languages, I believe, is the language of sacrifice and self-offering for the good of others. We appreciate when others make sacrifices for us, and can be moved to tears when we experience it. How good it is to sacrifice for those we love. The gift is not a watch or a thing, but our very selves. The beautiful words “I love you” are expressed in action. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Jesus is truly our model of sacrificial love and every love language.

What are your thoughts? Are there more than five love languages? Am I missing some? Are they qualities of love more than different love languages?

 

About the Autor

Jason A. Mitchell is the Associate Editor at Spirit of Wisdom Press. He holds doctorates in philosophy and sacred theology. 

He is working on a multi-volume series on Thomistic metaphysics, called The Pursuit of Wisdom. 

He resides in Franklin, PA.